


Bonfires

by lakemonsters



Category: Free!
Genre: Beginnings, Drama, Hurt, Los Angeles, M/M, closures, rebuilding a relationship, resolutions, rin is our josei hero, rin is the most beautiful retired olympian in the world, sousuke you are love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-10-15
Packaged: 2018-02-19 09:56:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 9,837
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2384060
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lakemonsters/pseuds/lakemonsters
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about late twenty-something year olds - Rin and Sousuke - rediscovering one another and what life is all about.  This series has Josei undertones for drama, hurt and a lot of tears. But at the end of it all there will be a resolution.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Ghost Who Walks

Mornings in the Silver Lake neighborhood is almost always a lazy spectacle. 

If it isn't someone in an interesting attire, it's someone ogling at some random celebrity that's decided to show up and give the laid-back people of this neighborhood something to talk about. Not that the denizens care, they could give a rat's derriere about Hollywood or Tom Cruise. It's just something to kill the boredom when there's literally nothing to do.

Rin Matsuoka, former Olympian, looks on as police herd a number of people away from the pedestrian crossing because of a minor accident involving an ice cream van and a sedan. So much for a quiet walk along Santa Monica Boulevard. Exhaling softly, he adjusts his backpack and moves to turn around and walk back to his house to fetch the Jeep. He has a couple of choices: He could drive all the way to San Diego to see his friends - Seijuro and his younger brother Momotarou - who have taken up residence in La Jolla and are running a successful business that had something to do with swimming culture attire and accessories. Second choice would be; muster up the courage and walk around Dogtown. 

Dogtown is a small community situated in the border of Venice Beach and Santa Monica, though it's reputation in the past had been bad, the local government's been doing its best to clean up and have it included as a friendly tourist destination. The project is possible but everyone knows that it will take a while. Rin's come across a number of adverts saying that Dogtown now hosts flea markets and swap meets. He'd been intending to shop for furniture somewhere in Sunset Boulevard, but now that's changed, obviously. Rin wonders if it's really safe to go there (Dogtown), he kind of wants to spare himself the trouble of coming across unsavory people from the neighborhood. No bargain furniture is worth his safety, he thinks.

Rin, quietly ponders what he should do. But eventually decides to throw caution to the wind. "It's not like I have much to do at home" He tells himself. This is because he knows that it's mostly truth and that there not much to be envied about his current lifestyle: Fame. Money. The tacit knowledge that there's more to life than that.

The former Olympian now lives in a big house that stands on a hill, overlooking the pretty light-laced lanes of Echo Park and Los Feliz. The house has gigantic windows that mirror the empty halls that echo whenever he walks through them. He feels like screaming each time he walks through them because it's so quiet and everything around him feels lifeless. Rin doesn't want to think about the chances of this being true as a hundred percent.

The Jeep door slams shut and he drives off to the limits.

 

+

 

Dogtown's a little bit arid and a little bit sad, really. Through the years, the vibe of the place has see-sawed and the efforts of the government to clean it has been superficially successful. The area is pretentiously pretty, but its residents are hungry for the old identity of their neighborhood; that even if they are impoverished, Dogtown is theirs. One can see it in their eyes, there is a hollowness to them. And in this way, it is easy to pick out the transplants from the locals.

Transplants don't really care so long as they have a profit, locals don't really care - period.

Rin wanders into a small shop that sells skateboards and longboards. The shop is a legacy store of a legendary local brand, a relic piece of the lifestyle it once stood for, some piece of history from the 1970s. The name still stands but the people behind it have changed and that's fine - Rin thinks, so long as he gets a quality item for a reasonable price.

"Hi. I need a starter board for my nephew. A complete set-up."

Gou's a wonderful mother, Rin only has praises for her on how she (and her husband) is raising their son. He's a charming boy, in the image of Rin but with longer sandy-brown hair and gray eyes. His sister has set up house somewhere in San Francisco, so he will have to wait and bring the skateboard for when he goes to visit them next.

"The complete decks are behind you."

"They're all nice, but do you have toned down graphics? I'm giving it to a seven-year-old. I don't want his mother to have to confiscate it."

"We have some in production right now. Clean decks, you can specify a design for a separate fee."

"I like that option. I don't mind paying extra."

"You have a design in mind?"

"I do."

"Let me call our designer - hold on. Can you write your name here on the order sheet..."

The attendant, a confident looking woman all tatted out on her arms and shoulders, picks up the phone and intercoms to the back house. "Sou, you got a minute? I got a custom job for you."

Rin stands near the signature boards rack, looking stuff over and he hears parts of the conversation. He doesn't give it much thought, even if the name 'Sou' triggers nostalgia in him. It could even be a different spelling, a nickname. Rin can't put much stock on how it sounds; but he does look up when the door opens. This is when he literally feels himself blink rapidly, he doesn't quite believe what he's seeing and thinks that his eyes are playing tricks on him.

"Sou. This is the client - Matsuoka Rin. He wants custom graphics for the Peralta set he's going to buy."

Silence from both of them.

The woman continues to speak -- "Say, come to think of it, aren't you that super swimmer? Man, this is surreal. Welcome to our shop! This is Yamazaki Sousuke, our resident designer. He trained under Skip Engblom so you're in good hands..."

She says some more things and Rin can hear her voice float inside the small store, but it feels too diluted, he isn't really listening to her. His eyes are fixed on the man standing a few feet from him - because there is no mistaking that 'Sou' is indeed Yamazaki Sousuke his friend and former teammate from Samezuka. The person who's been missing from his life for more than a decade. The person who bears the weight of his stare at this very moment, keeping his composure and finally moving towards him.

Out of the woman's earshot, Sousuke nods curtly at Rin and says - "Follow me. Let's talk later, let me draw out the design. I need this job."

Rin complies and calmly assents though there is a tempest brewing inside him, he walks behind Sousuke as the taller man leads him to a work table at the back of the store.

 

+

 

Sousuke's eyes are fixed on the drawing pad, completing a very cute picture of rounded and chubby crossbones. Rin's design idea is perfect for his nephew and though there are emotions running through him right now, he keeps it together and just watches the other man work.

Rin notes that Sousuke's grown taller, leaner but still muscular - he's wearing a white shirt with the "Ibanez" guitar logo flogging the chest area, his jeans are worn but its faded blue color is with character, the ripping over the knee area seems to be telling him a story. Rin's eyes wander to Sousuke's red and black shoes.

"You've always liked Adidas Consortiums ever since we were kids. Nice color - custom made?" Rin carelessly comments.

Sousuke's hand - preoccupied with drawing - falters a little, but he soldiers on.

"Yes. Got them from Undefeated along Sunset." Sousuke says matter-of-factly.

Rin inhales because that store is no more than ten minutes from his house by car. That big empty house he's been living in for the past eleven years.

"Since when?" Rin asks quietly but his voice pregnant with dangerous emotion.

"Just let me finish the work, like I said, let's talk later ." Sousuke punctuates.

The former Olympian relents and stays seated even when Sousuke moves to stand and walk to the store attendant to discuss the details of this order with her. Rin looks on and ignores the clenching feeling over his throat and his heart. He's not going to suffocate in a destitute neighborhood, that would just be sad.

He steels himself and finally walks over to the counter where the woman greets him with a smile.

 

+

 

Rin looks over at the receipt in his hands for the nth time in the last two hours - the board will take three days to complete. He paid half the amount today, the rest will be upon receiving the completed item. Rin folds the receipt and slips it in his bag - he looks up and notes that it's started to rain outside. Rolling down his window, he could have choked on the smell of the sea. There's something vile about the smell and the grayness surrounding him at the moment makes it feel more like he's weighed down by a tombstone. He closes the window and turns up the volume of the car radio -- Cider Sky filling up the spaces of his Jeep with ambient sound.

He almost jumps at the light tap on his side: Sousuke is now wearing a rust-colored hoodie to protect himself from the rain. he speaks when Rin opens the door slightly for him. "Let's talk in my car. I've been working all day, don't want to dirty your car seat."

Rin is slightly pink with embarrassment - at the white interiors of his ride. It was on a whim - this altered upholstery - a gift from his sister during one of her many visits to Los Angeles. "Okay." Is all Rin says before he puts on the hood of his jacket and exits his car.

 

+

 

Sousuke's ride has muscle - the lacquer red color not withstanding - the moment he revs up the engine, the sound is loud enough to make Rin flinch. The Mustang lives up to its name/reputation and does its owner proud. They drive ten minutes to an off-way parking lot where a number of food trucks are parked. Rin doesn't even try to ask why they're there, just lets Sousuke exit the car and waits for him to return with two boxes of tacos and two bottles of horchata.

"It's not payday yet, this is all I can afford. But the food's authentic, I'm sure you know it's very good." Sousuke's voice is relatively lighter, probably because he's not under pressure of being at his best behavior. There's none of the threat of losing his job in case Rin does make a scene. And it hurts Rin that Sousuke would think that way, then again Rin is perfectly capable of making a scene. 

The silence stretches on between them and they continue to assume what the other is thinking. So, Rin does the mature thing and picks at his food - which irritates Sousuke, apparently. "Don't do that. If you're not going to eat, let me have them."

Again, Rin does the mature thing and defiantly looks at Sousuke as he starts eating: The tacos are good and the flavors are distinct. He's grown so accustomed to good food but this feels right, very organic. He takes another bite and finishes one taco before he places the second one on Sousuke's box tray.

"I can't anymore. I'm full."

The taller man says nothing, just continues to eat. From where Rin is seated he can see the whispers of the dark hair hiding under Sousuke's hoodie. The synapses to his brain feels like they are going haywire and on impulse he reaches out to touch them, stopping only before he can make skin contact. Rin is able to draw his hand away and slide them in the pockets of his own wind beaker. Sousuke continues to eat, if there was any indication that the move might have made him uncomfortable - he isn't showing it.

"How long have you been living here?" Rin starts tentatively and the realization sinks in that maybe he has no right to ask Sousuke this question in this tone of voice. He fidgets in his seat and exhales, looking out at the dreary parking lot; a graffiti wall in front of them which has the image of the Lady of Guadalupe and the word 'Corazon' (heart) and 'Socorro' (help). Rin cups his cheek with a hand and just stares out the window.

"Seven years." Sousuke says before he sets the empty tray down on the dashboard, his eyes looking forward. "I moved here because there was a job lead. I lived in Hawaii before that - with my uncle. I couldn't stay home in Japan. It's too depressing." Sousuke fiddles with the car radio dial and lowers the volume to a Melissa Etheridge song.

Rin is visibly curling up on himself and his hands find his shoulders, forming a loose cocoon versus Sousuke: "And you couldn't have told me this somehow? Told me in an email? A text message? A bloody IM? I remember leaving you a dozen ways to contact me before I left for Australia. A dozen ways to tell you I wasn't going to do what I did back then when we were children." He fights to keep his voice in control, not wanting to sound like a demanding teenager, though he feels like he is one right now. As if time has stopped for them and he just wants answers to all the questions that's piled up through the years. "Seven whole years? I've been living here for eleven! I take it you just didn't want to see me, talk to me. I had to muster up courage to wander in this neighborhood hoping to find FURNITURE and then I run into you." His tone is incredulous and hurt and he doesn't even bother to hide that he is heart broken. All those years ago, he thought they had come to an understanding. That they loved one another and that Rin would wait for Sousuke no matter what. "You need to say something, Sousuke. You need to make me understand what happened."

From peripheral vision - the former Olympian can see Sousuke run his fingers through his rich dark hair, exhaling and probably thinking of something to say.

"Did you really think that we'd never see each other again? That you…" Rin charges.

Sousuke growls under his breath "Let me put a word in."

Rin pipes down and moves to look out the window once more.

"I just thought it better for you to not be weighed down by my situation. My injury is not something that goes away a hundred percent. It's always going to be there. Scar tissue breaks like hardened chewing gum. A little will always stay behind no matter how long I go to therapy. I couldn't have you wait that long."

At this point - Rin is already looking at him - his jaw set in angry lines. How could Sousuke say such things when Rin's _still_ waiting for him? "Before graduation at the Samezuka swimming centre, did I fucking stutter?" the former Captain pushes that memory forward, forcing Sousuke to think back on their conversation. How Rin had made sure to make it clear that he's going to wait for Sousuke - whether he decides to swim or to quit - Rin just wanted to know that Sousuke tried to take all avenues to recovery. After that, he was under the impression that they would able to move forward as people, not just athletes. That they'd be able to make something of the relationship that they've put on hold (in lieu of their goals) for so long. 

"I said I'd think about it. But, I knew that I wasn't going to swim again. Not competitively."

"And what about me? It wasn't all about the sport, remember?"

Sousuke flinches at that, looks away, his hand moving to the stirring wheel and holds onto it - ten o'clock and two. "Rin, sorry that I decided on my own. You deserve better. You were going places: stardom, money, connections, prestige. I'd only get in the way. I can't have people think less of you because of me."

"Selfish. Always have, always will be selfish." Rin supplies swiping at a stray tear that's gone as soon as it drops. "I figured on the third year that you didn't follow me to Australia that medically it was impossible and I was okay with that. Sure, you weren't going to swim for competitions - but we were still together, right? Or was I the only one who thought we were? There's swimming and then there's _**us**_. Did I misunderstand? Because it'd really suck if I did." He doesn't want this to spiral out of control so he keeps his tears in check, his hands primly on his knees now, his eyes focused on the droplets of rain on the windshield.

"You didn't misunderstand…I…"

Rin doesn't let Sousuke finish -

"Every competition I won, every training I did was to make my family proud - but I carried you with me all the same. I carried you with every breath I took." He rests his hand over his heart gently. "Thought that if I made you proud, if I was able to accomplish what I had set out to do as a swimmer, when all of that was said and done - I could finally come home to _you_."

"Rin…"

"So think about how I felt when your father told me you weren't there?! Think about how I felt when I went to Hawaii to look for you and you weren't there?! And now I find out that you've been living in the same city for seven fucking years? You've no right to make me feel that way. I'm not your bloody stalker! You've no right to torture me and make me wonder for years what I did wrong!" Rin finally explodes and the tears don't stop and all that he's kept hidden under his 'grown up' and 'mature' self has been unearthed.

He only feels the tension leave when he feels Sousuke dabbing a clean napkin against his cheek, hoping to clean some of the tears away. "I had no right then, I have no right now. I just didn't want to get in the way. I figured you'd meet someone else, someone that's really meant for you, that can go head to head and match your accomplishments. I'm a man too. I have my pride."

"So you punish me, instead?" Rin sobs, but minutely moves closer to Sousuke's hand. Like gravity's pull, it's only logical.

"No. Not punish. Just spare myself the anguish of being reminded of what I can't accomplish."

"You love swimming more than you ever cared for me, then?" Rin asks.

"Don't ever say that."

"You don't leave the people you care about, you stay even if it hurts, you stay and talk to them and give them a chance to try and make it better!"

"Rin!"

"Sousuke! WHY? WHY? WHY!!??" Rin doesn't even realize that he's hit the dashboard a number of times, at one point, hard enough to displace the forgotten food trays. He's angry, he's physically shaking and he's got his hand clenched so tight that his knuckles are white.

Sousuke carefully reaches for Rin's fists, persists when Rin tries his best to pull away. Moves to hold Rin's forearms before caging him in a firm embrace - despite the car's set up. "Calm down. Please." Sousuke closes his eyes holding Rin tighter. How could he ever say these things: I was overwhelmed. I never stopped loving you. I'm not happy without you. I got scared and ran away and even made myself more miserable. I always knew where you were. I stayed here because you were in the same city. I wanted you to find me one day. I hurt you again. I'm really sorry. Even if we are fighting right now, I'm happy, because at least we're together.

Right before he left the store, he told himself that he was not going to engage Rin in a long conversation, but who is he kidding? When it comes to Rin all bets are off and Sousuke is left grasping at loose ends. He buries his nose in the softness of Rin's hair, mouths over the strands the things he really can't give voice to. Sousuke stills when he feels Rin's shoulders tremble in his his hold before he is pushed away completely.

"Don't tell me to calm down. Not about this."

"Rin, I messed up. Big time. But I don't want us to fight…"

"You just want us to be strangers. We won't fight. And you won't have to care."

"That's not what I meant."

"You confuse me. You hate me this much?"

"What? No! Why would you even say that?!"

"I always wondered what it was I did wrong to make you just up and leave. I started to question myself - did I piss you off by succeeding, Sousuke?"

Rin fails to see the anger flash in Sousuke's eyes, right before he is pushed against the passenger door, Sousuke pinning him with a glare. "Stop that now!" He squeezes Rin's shoulder harder. "I am proud of you. No one is happier than me when you win a medal or make it to the news with some new achievement even if it's outside swimming. I messed up. I walked away from what we were supposed to be working on together - I fucked it all up. Me. Not you. My mistake! Call me a lot of things. I deserve it, but don't ever question your worth as an athlete and person. I walked away because I wanted better things for you. I wanted you to have the best."

Sousuke's fingers go slack and he slides them over the sleeve of Rin's windbreaker, picking at the fibers before pulling away.

"I always knew that all I wanted was a life with you. I thought you knew that. I thought that's what we were going to do. I've been so very lonely." The former Olympian's forehead rests gently on the glass of the window and his chin trembles once more as he cries. His pricy sports watch sounds off an hourly reminder and Rin closes his eyes to that.

"I don't know what else to do or say to make you see how sorry I am…Rin…"

But he isn't able to continue because Rin's suddenly moved to _kiss_ him and it's a weird beast they've become - with the athlete's arms around Sousuke's neck, his mouth slowly suffocating him in a plundering motion. Sousuke tells himself he's given up all the right to kiss back, but sensory pleasure overrides conscience, so he reciprocates and takes everything that he can. Hungry is an understatement because he is all but consuming Rin through his mouth, large hands pulling at the soft red hair, forcing Rin's head back as he sucks on Rin's tongue. Time feels heavy inside the car and the air is condensed because of the rain and their body heat.

Rin pulls away first, this action a bit excessive that he hits his head ever so lightly against the window. He wipes gently at his mouth with the back of his hand and looks down at his sneakers, finds them interesting. He feels a little dumb - because he knows that kissing Sousuke looks like he's rewarding him for actually chickening out on their relationship. But it doesn't feel like a mistake. Rin will always, always want to kiss Sousuke. There's just no going around that fact.

"I should go." Rin looks up and notices the street lights have come on and the food trucks have turned on their own neons. The parking lot they are in is slowly filling out with potential diners. 

"Of course. I'll drive you back to the store. Did you know how to exit Dogtown?"

Rin doesn't answer. He was hoping to ask the shop attendant how to exit without having to pass through areas that make him uneasy. Dogtown's a rough neighborhood but it isn't the Bronx so he can manage. "I just have to go through the roads I used to get here. It's a little dark but I know how to get to the Freeway."

"That doesn't sound convincing."

"That's the best I have right now."

"I can shadow till you enter the Freeway."

"You don't have to."

"I want to."

"Sousuke…"

"I know. The kiss doesn't change anything. The conversation doesn't change anything. I'm still at fault. But right now I just want to make sure you get home safe. Let me do this, at least."

"I'm not a woman. You don't have to be chivalrous to woo me." Is all Rin says before he goes absolutely quiet realizing that he's just made it obvious to Sousuke that he still wants _him_. His cheeks go red and heated. 

 

+

 

They stay silent during the drive back to the store, Rin takes it as an opportunity to observe what Sousuke looks like when he's a bit more relaxed, outside his work environment. Rin is curious what he's made of himself. By simply looking at his arms and hands - Rin knows that Sousuke really works hard for a living. His job as an artist, a craftsman is no joke. Rin can only imagine the demands of having to create and deliver and please the clients of that skate shop - the money could be good but he thinks it's not as much as Sousuke deserves.

Again, his body moves before his brain can react - Rin reaches out to touch Sousuke's right shoulder. The other man slightly startles, he glances at Rin before looking away, keeping his eyes on the road.

"It doesn't bother you anymore? It doesn't hurt when you have to work?"

"Still does. But you deal with it. It's kind of just there - a dull ache on better days."

/

Rin grasps the material of Sousuke's jacket, pondering if he should keep doing this - touching Sousuke without his permission, initiating contact. Because he wants to. He's always enjoyed getting physical with Sousuke. But he pulls away and slides both his hands between his own knees, confine them and stop them from wandering. It's shaky, unsure ground, but Rin still aches for him after all this time.

_What does Sousuke want?_

 

+

 

The former Olympian stays calm when Sousuke opens the car door for him like it is the most natural thing in the world. The taller man holds his breath as they walk to Rin's Jeep. At one point, he reaches for Rin's hand and laces their fingers and it is ridiculous how Rin's smaller hand perfectly fits in his. 

Rin is still defiant against better judgment - to keep some distance between them, to allow himself some perspective on the matter. But he knows that this battle's over before it's even started. Rin obviously delights in the contact, blissful that it's Sousuke that initiated. He squeezes Sousuke's hand and leans against him, pressing his cheek gently to the taller man's shoulder.

+

They kiss again before Rin gets in his car; Rin is pushed against the wet surface, not really minding the lingering moisture from the rain that afternoon. The shorter man smiles and ghosts a sigh against Sousuke's hair and lets the taller man move his mouth lower, against his jugular, lets him suck hard enough to hurt and leave delicious damage on Rin's fair skin. 

It feels marvelous. It feels absolutely marvelous to finally _feel_ something again.

 

+

 

tbc


	2. The Ghost Who Talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sousuke wants this, Rin wants that. They come to a compromise that's mostl likely doomed from the start.
> 
> Also, a little bit of Haru and Gou - who are puffs of fresh air, nice reprieve from all the drama.

The 110 Freeway opens Venice Beach to the rest of Los Angeles. It streamlines an asphalt passage from the sea to the inner dwellings of the Angelenos, and it takes Rin about fifteen minutes to traverse out of Dogtown's narrow ways to the exit. Time and again he will glance at his side mirror to see if the Mustang is trailing him, part of Rin wishes for Sousuke to stop and the other part hopes that he'd follow him all the way. Rin is greedy in this way and he catches himself just in time. Forcing himself to focus on the road and ignore the car behind him. He's on the freeway and if he follows it vigilantly, then he'll make it home.

Before he merges with traffic, the former Olympian, glances at his rearview mirror, Sousuke's car is still there. The former Olympian tells himself that his heart did not just skip a beat. He tamps down on this hopeful feeling - niggling at his throat and his chest. He tries to downplay it, forcing himself to relax, driving on cruise control. He tells himself that after half a mile or so, Sousuke's going to take the exit and with that thought Rin blocks out everything and just wills himself to get home.

Though a little more relaxed being in familiar territory, Rin is still antsy and tucks a few stray fringes behind his ear, driving with one hand as he makes it down Sunset to make a left at Santa Monica. Through all that, Rin fights the urge to repeatedly check if Sousuke's still tailing him and it's only when he reaches for his garage door opener in the glove compartment that he spies the Mustang: Sousuke has the hazard lights on, but turns it off when the garage door opens. Rin sees the car lights change from hazard to signal and Sousuke is making a careful turn before he drives off.

Without so much as a goodbye, Rin just stares at his rearview wondering if he just dreamed it all up. 

It's just that the bruise that's violently throbbing on his neck tells him otherwise.

 

+

 

It takes Rin a while to get out of the Jeep. 

He is hurting everywhere from the crying he's been doing for the past thirty minutes. 

Still huddled in the driver's seat and trying to pick out the reasons for him to stop, to not over think and tell himself that Sousuke's not worth crying over. But maybe he's unlucky this way. Maybe it really is better to feel anger than disappointment. Because he is disappointed in Sousuke for not staying, for not doing more, for not trying harder.

Out of frustration, the former Olympian hits the wheel of his car, sounding off the horn which in turn tears him from his emotional haze and back to reality. He pushes the damp hair from his face and finally makes use of the box of tissues in the bucket seat. Cleaning his face, drying his tears. Reaching for his phone, he dials his sister's home number.

Another delay tactic for him because he can't go inside that huge, empty house just yet.

 

+

 

"Uncle Rin! Did you know that Maggie May's having puppies soon!"

"Why are you still awake?" Rin forces his voice to sound a little tougher, not wanting to give his nephew any reason to worry.

"Holiday. No school tomorrow. We're playing Monopoly, I'm winning big time."

"That's good, how've you been?"

"Okay. School sucks."

"It doesn't."

"Yes it does."

"We all had to do it."

"Why?"

"Because that's life, kid. Lemme talk to your Mom."

"Why?"

And in the background Rin could hear - Thomas. Daniel. Mullen. Give me the phone this instant. - it makes him smile and forges his personal truth, that if bad things should happen, it's always nice to call on family.

"Gotta go."

"Hey, Tommy…"

"Yup?"

"Miss you."

"Me too, Uncle. See you when we visit!"

 

+

 

"Rin, hi!"

His sister moved to America first - to go to school at University of California, Berkeley for her Masters Degree. It's the place where she met the man she'd marry and they'd eventually move with him to San Francisco to start a family. She's also part of the reason why Rin was thoroughly persuaded to move as well. They've long adapted to the ways and habits of the city. Gou eventually stopped calling Rin 'big brother' but when she says his name it's always with a tone of respect. Some things change while others don't. The Matsuoka siblings have gotten by well enough.

"Hey Sis."

"How are you? What's up? We're planning a visit to LA next week, I was going to call you tomorrow, first thing but then you called me and it's really late, Rin. What's going on?" 

If there is anyone that Rin can rely on when it comes to dealing with his feelings and struggles about Sousuke's disappearance, then it would be his sister. Her intuitions and emotional maturity surprises Rin time and again because a big part of him will always see her as this little girl and then one day - Gou came through for him. She has always come through for him since then.

"Sousuke."

"What about him?" Gou's voice made a major shift from curious to worried, so obvious that Rin can hear her son go - Mommy? What's wrong?

"Today…" Rin wanted to continue but his voice broke and his breath started heaving from the sobs he was trying to stop.

"Rin. Calm down. Rin…I'm going to call Haru to go check on you and keep you company. But stay with me on the phone." It might sound like an overreaction on her part, but she's been privy to Rin's darkest days and knows that if there is anyone that can turn her brother's moods on its head so easily, then it would be Sousuke. He really did a number on her brother and she is sure that the years were never long enough for Rin to really let go of what they had and the promises they made to one another.

"I went to Dogtown. He's here…seven years, in Los Angeles."

"Oh god..."

"Gou, he's working at a skate shop. He's changed a lot but he's still Sousuke..."

"Rin, you're really making me worry right now. It's been so long. The most I'd expect from you towards him - is a casual greeting. You've accomplished so much and gone so far, so much farther than high school. He can't still mean that much, right?"

Gou intentionally glosses over what she thinks Rin should do and feel - suggesting to her brother that in many ways - the years can't be taken back and they just can't pick up where they left off. She implies that Sousuke's the one who left, so it's only fair that her brother gets the chance to make Sousuke see that he's the one that missed out on something. Her brother's a good guy - Rin deserves to smile again, really really smile again.

"I told him that he need not open car doors for me to woo me. He gave me a hickey."

Gou groans a bit. _So much for that._

"Why would you say and _do_ something like that to a guy who left you and your feelings hanging out to dry?"

"I don't know. But I just feel that there's more to it than that."

"The fact is that he left. He disappeared on you. On us all."

"The fact is that I found him."

"I'm so afraid for you." She doesn't bother hiding the tremble in her voice. Also, it must be the gift of motherhood - because as she speaks to her brother - Gou is literally texting Haru and Makoto to go drive to Silver Lake and check on him. This is fine multi-tasking she tells herself.

"Don't be. It's not like he wants to be part of my life, right now. He certainly didn't sound like it. But he kissed me - I mean, I kissed him first but he kissed back..."

"You really need to tell me everything that happened. Because as far as I'm concerned - he hurt you and that's all the reason I need to not want him in our lives."

 

+

 

As he quietly tells her the story behind the accidental meeting, as he shifts from that part of the story to the actual conversation in the Mustang - Rin's able to exit the car and enter his house distracted from his loneliness and the echoes of empty halls. By the time he gets to the part where Sousuke is shadowing him back to Silver Lake and his sadness at seeing him leave again without so much as a wave, Rin is already laying on his bed, curled up on his side and facing the gigantic window that shows him the golden lights of Los Angeles.

Gou listens, as she too looks out the window to the golden lights of a different city. She doesn't bother hiding her tears from her brother.

I am so afraid for you: She tells Rin this once more.

Don't be, I know what I am doing: Rin sounds overwhelmed but not terrified. His fingers quietly dancing over the bruise on his neck.

Gou hangs up only when time passes and she hears nothing else but even breathing from Rin. Breaks her heart that after a decade, he is once again crying himself to sleep.

She checks her mobile phone and feels somewhat relieved to see two messages - from Haru and Makoto - agreeing to visit Rin asap.

 

+

 

Some call it freak weather while other call it Global Warming - rain isn't something common to Angelenos.

Rin wakes up to a gray and cold morning, the rhythmic sound of falling rain surrounding him. He closes his eyes and sighs disappointed at himself for sleeping in yesterday's clothes. He bites his bottom lip and tries to recall if he has any prior engagements for the day. He can't come up with a single one, so he reaches for his mobile phone and calls his manager to check, just in case.

Then he sends Gou a short text - 'Thank you. I'm staying home to rest, call me after work.'

 

+

 

Like he texted Gou, Rin decides to stay home.

In strict order he showers to refresh himself, change into clean and excellent clothes to set the mood and prepare a cup of Lavazza to perk himself up. Though he is going domestic today, he doesn't want to pad around in shoddy clothes and wallow in that whirlwind of a night. He can't really blame Sousuke a hundred percent. If there's anyone that's whirlwind-prone between them, then it would be Rin. Checking the clock in the kitchen; it glares at him with 10 o'clock on display. That's a bit late for his standards and he quietly berates himself for dragging. He won't get used to this.

He takes his laptop from the study to the breakfast nook in his kitchen - determined to get some minor things done online.

The screen comes to life and power sounds come on, Rin makes some toast in the meantime.

But then his doorbell sounds off -

The former Olympian thinks that it might be Haru and Makoto, recalling that Gou did contact them for him. As he treads the long line of marbled floor from kitchen to front door, he is already thinking of what to tell them. Especially Haru, who is more severe and less tolerant of the Sousuke-thing. He reaches the front door and checks the monitor and this is when he kind of feels a mini-heart-attack, a tiny seizure and brain freeze all at once. Rin believes he's stopped breathing normally and is on auto-pilot opening the door for Sousuke.

"Good morning."

"Sousuke…"

"I'm playing hooky, let me in."

 

+

 

Rin's by the counter, putting the finishing touches of the mint latte he is making for Sousuke. 

It is a welcome distraction, buying time and the perfect way to disguise his shock to see the other man. But time and again he'll sneak glances at Sousuke, wondering if he should ask him why he is there right now or why he just left without even a wave the night before. And he also knows that he should start asking Sousuke the important questions, the ones that pertain to _them_ before their worlds _really_ collide.

He looks up but just as quickly looks away when he realizes that Sousuke's been watching him - probably - for some time now.

"Leave that for a bit, come here. Let's talk."

"Sure. I'm done anyway."

A few steps take him to the breakfast nook and he places the cup in front of Sousuke - as he moves to sit across from him, the taller man holds him by the wrist, suggesting they sit beside one another instead.

"I don't think..."

"Sit beside me, Rin."

And there's this part of the swimmer that wants to tell him -no- because he does not want to feel disappointed yet again. There's this part of him that wants to draw the line somewhere, anywhere, while he still can. But when Sousuke's holding him like that, so sure, so in control - Rin wants to follow and see where it takes him. The redhead settles beside Sousuke and he looks past him and to the blue waters of the swimming pool just outside the window, its surface scarred by the drops of rain. He feels Sousuke touch his hair and Rin quickly moves his head, not to get away from Sousuke but to gently place a kiss on his wrist. The taller man says nothing, but Rin spies surprise in thoe beautiful tired eyes.

"It's your impulsive nature I miss most. Just doing whatever it is that comes to mind."

"I'm actually holding back." Rin says not really minding how that sounds like to the other man.

Sousuke clears his throat. "Like I said, let's talk."

"About what?"

"About right now, Rin. About what we're doing or what we are going to do from here on."

Rin grunts impatiently "How about we pick up from where we left off? You kissed me back. You followed me home and then just left. You show up hours later, skipped work and now you're having coffee in my house. Sousuke, we're not highschool kids anymore. I know how to read between the lines."

"Between the lines." Sousuke quietly repeats.

"Do you still want me or not!?" Rin lays it all out and stares at Sousuke.

"You know the answer to that! But you don't even know a thing about me right now, Rin. It's been a we can't just flip a switch and…"

"Does it really matter?"

"Yes. Let's take this slow. It's been years."

This is when the redhead stands up and walks to the center island of the kitchen and picks a barstool to sit on before facing Sousuke. "I'm tired of longwinded and doing things step by fucking step. I did that already - swim, win, finish school - and look where that got me. All that obviously didn't matter to you. So, now I'm just going to do what I want." 

"What are you going to do exactly?"

"Make you see and regret what you've missed all these years. Make you stay with me and then you realize that you should have not disappeared because that was such a hurtful thing to do. I'm not punishing you, but you need to see what you did to me."

The coffee in front of him ripples inside the mug as Sousuke's fist knocks frustratedly on the surface of the table. He feels Rin's eyes on him, but he does not look up. Not yet. The dynamic between them used to be different, reciprocal, now Sousuke notes that Rin hasn't really asked him what he wants. What his intentions are.

"How are you, Sousuke? That's really what I want to know, after our conversation last night. I don't care about the years before last night, I care about the present and the future. _How are you?_ "

Looking up, there is a dull glaze over Sousuke's eyes, the kind of resignation one feels when one knows that he/she really can't change things so you decide to go with the flow and see where it takes them. He realizes that it's not the best thing to do right now, that he and Rin need direction - some guidelines to follow - because this could either go very good or very bad. And Sousuke just wants it to be good, because he has not been kind at all to Rin.

"I get by, same as always. I have a job. I'm not on the streets. I have people I call friends. Los Angeles is the city of lost…"

"Don't say that. Don't fall into the Los Angeles is the city of lost souls crap. Don't romanticize your running away into some narrative, please."

Sousuke takes a gulp of the coffee in front of him - the mint is exquisite and the cool flavor seeps delicately down his throat but he wants to throw up all the same. "I wasn't doing that. I just wanted to say that it's not good and it's not bad either."

"I hate that you got by without me." Rin's moved from the center island to where Sousuke is sitting down and places a hand on the table - the skin is pale and the flesh beneath it is lean, fingers touch the side of the coffee cup, a millimeter shy of Sousuke."I think it's not fair."

The silence that follows afterwards makes Sousuke look up and he has to reach out to wipe away the tears that have once again gathered in Rin's eyes. Sousuke's mind is blank because after last night, he really doesn't want to tell Rin more excuses. All he has is all he is - there here and now. He wants to get to know Rin again and maybe try and redefine past, but that's not quite possible, is it? He wants to take it slow but he feels the tempestuous force of Rin's feelings crushing his own. Sousuke has two choices here, to run away or run after the storm. The love has always been there - buried under a lot of the fishhook drama that teenage wastelands tend to bring - it has never gone away. It never disappeared inspite and despite. And though he feels his decision is doomed from the start, this is Rin crying in front of him. He maneuvers to stand and move around the table so he pulls Rin to him and holds him, glad that the other man does not put up a fight. Sousuke can smell his shampoo - traces of green tea and lemon grass - as he kisses his hair and closes his eyes when he feels the redhead huddle closer to him.

"I don't want to start over. Don't make me go through something that we've already done. We're not kids anymore, this isn't a joke. It's either you want to continue from that time or nothing at all."

Sousuke, for all honorable intents and purposes, wanted to spend the day with Rin and talk - come to an agreement with him for a reset in their relationship as they are now, maybe slowly backtrack and talk about the past, nitpick at all the reasons why he left and why he did what he did. Now, it's clear to him that Rin wants none of that. That Rin is somehow in a great hurry to reclaim the things they lost to the years. The redhead's voice is muffled, strained. Part of Sousuke also wants Rin to maybe hold his hand, help him face his failures and the disappointment he gave the people he loves most. But he owes Rin, for all the heartache and the disappointment, he owes him enough to move past those personal issues and just focus on Rin's.

_Maybe someday._

When Rin moves his head and lifts his chin, Sousuke moves closer and slants his mouth to cover the redhead's, takes as much as is offered and then some. He's always been overwhelming and intense. He's always had the chemistry with Rin to make even the simplest kiss burst into an uncontrollable fire.

Sousuke hopes that fire sustains.

 

+

 

The air feels cool against the former Olympian's skin and it makes Rin moan gently as he forces his eyes open. He knows he fell asleep somewhere in between the great kisses and the soft couch against his back. There's a delicious thrum in his body, still fully clothed but wired to the very last nerve. He shifts and finds that Sousuke is sleeping beside him, a fluffy throw blanket covering them. No, they've not gone all the way, but making out for a significant amount of time is just as satisfying. The former Olympian finds solace in watching Sousuke sleep - the terse line of his mouth, the droop of his eyebrows, he presses his forehead against Sousuke's.

"Rin?"

"Can you stay? I'll drive you back tomorrow morning before work."

"Mm. I'll stay. No need to drive me, have my car with me."

_"I want to, though."_

Sousuke's fallen back to sleep, Rin settles and they stay like that till darkness grows around them and they really don't care that they let a whole day pass by in idle pleasure.

 

+

 

The pasta's almost done and the bread in the oven needs a minute more - 

Rin busies himself in the kitchen for dinner and lets Sousuke sleep some more on the couch - it is obvious to the redhead that the other man is tired and hasn't had enough sleep. This is a kind of reprieve and it pains him that Sousuke had to literally skip work to get much needed rest. Rin is glad that Sousuke decided to come to him. His mobile rings in his pocket and just by the ringtone he knows who it is.

"Haru. What's up?"

"I tried calling you earlier this afternoon and it went to voicemail."

"That's what it usually does when I can't answer."

"Why couldn't you answer?"

"Haru, you know why. You spoke to Gou. I told her to call me after work but she didn't - I know she called you and Makoto instead because if she didn't, she would have called me."

"You lost me somewhere."

"Attentive as always." Rin smiles a little.

"What is he doing there." It's not even a question from Haru.

"How do you know he's here? And who's HE anyway?"

"I know because my call went to voicemail. You know who."

"Then you should know why he's here."

"Rin, it's been a long time you don't know this guy anymore - he could be some kind of outlaw. He lives in Dogtown and it's this guy with Yamazaki's face but not really him. Get a little perspective here."

"Haru you make this whole thing sound like the Bodysnatchers."

"Shut up. I'm serious here."

"It's always been Sousuke. And we're working stuff out. We don't need people getting worked up because of us."

There is a sharp intake of breath and a violent exhalation - which says a lot considering it's Haru. "We? Us? Rin, Is he even single right now? Did you ask him if he is seeing someone before you found him - which was like - YESTERDAY? What does he want, Rin? Did you ask him that? Why are YOU letting him in your life again?"

"I found him. I found him and we are working stuff out. So, I need everyone to back off."

"Why were you crying to Gou last night, then?"

"Jesus, does she tell you and Makoto everything? And FYI that was last night. Sousuke's here /now/. That's all that matters."

"Rin."

"Haru. Stop. You don't know, you can't even fathom what I've been through. Not once did Makoto leave your side. You don't know what it's like to have to grasp at little to no hope just to get by. So, let it go. I don't want to argue over this. This is what I want."

"What does /he/ want, Rin?"

Rin falters silently at that, but he dislikes lying to Haru so he musters up the only truth he knows.

"He wants /me/."

It's Haru's turn to go quiet and sigh - he wants to say _then he would not have run away from you_ \- but he knows that Rin will flip a continent if he so much as breathes that statement.

"Anyway, I just called to let you know that Makoto and I have downtime from our teaching workshops. Makoto and I will stay with you for a bit, it's closer to downtown LA than where we live."

"That sounds really convenient, Haru. Perfect timing too."

"So we can't stay with you?"

"Idiot. You're always welcome. You have a key to my place, right?"

"Yes,"

"Still remember the security code?"

"Yes, oh my god. I am not senile."

"Just making sure." Rin says in jest. "Haru - no questions about Sousuke. Okay? I have to make it clear now. I don't want you and me to fight. Not over this."

There is reluctance but Haru tells him what he needs to hear - "Okay."

 

+

 

When Sousuke walks into the kitchen , Rin looks up the recipe he is reading, he smiles at the taller man and gestures at the table where he's prepared their dinner - it's not lavish but it is hearty and comforting - pasta, bread and soup. "I'll make Tonkatsu tomorrow evening, it would be good for when you get out of work. I don't have the ingredients now so we'll have pasta instead." There is a sheepish smile on the redhead's lips. 

Sousuke is taken aback by Rin's assumption that he'll be coming over dinner tomorrow after work. He masks it with a nod and a smile. "I think I heard your voice a while ago. You were on the phone?"

"Yeah. Haru."

Sousuke goes quiet and he knows he really has not resolved anything with Nanase ever since high school, he also knows that Rin isn't really aware of his non-fondness with the other retired Olympian. "Okay."

"You sound very happy." Rin teases him.

"I just have not heard Nanase's name in a long time. Coming from you, that is."

"You sound weird, Sousuke." Rin pushes him a little to go sit down at the table so they can start with dinner.

"By the way, I made an appointment with my car guy so change of plans - take my Jeep instead and he will take a look at the Mustang tomorrow; check up and detailing." Rin's back is to Sousuke - getting two bottles of Shock Tops from the fridge. He misses the surprise and slight objection on Sousuke's face - the dark shadow that passes over it. But the taller man fights it, they've had a relatively good day. Sousuke doesn't want to argue.

He doesn't give an vocal affirmative - he just nods and sits.

 

+

 

After dinner, Sousuke washes the dishes and Rin dries them. They engage in little conversations about the skate shop, Rin's advocacies and business. They talk about the Mikoshiba's and Gou's family, Sousuke enjoys the latter because he discovers that Gou's married one of the most famous personalities in skateboarding. They drink two more bottles of beer after that before calling it a night.

 

+

 

There is a slight buzz in Rin's head when they reach his bedroom - Sousuke is close behind him and walks with a bit of caution, this is not his space. What is Rin's property is not his. So he is surprised when Rin pulls at him and they fall into bed, Rin acting like Sousuke belongs in it.

They start with a languid kiss that mutates into a slight frenzy, specially when Rin starts touching in all the right places. Sousuke submits to the pleasure and it's no problem for him to overpower Rin when it comes to this kind of interaction. Rin pinned beneath him, his body weight holding the athlete down, body aligned so perfectly that each shift makes for good, good friction _everywhere_.

"Sousuke, come on." Rin wants more than that, he succeeds in taking off Sousuke's shirt but he grinds his teeth, frustrated when Sousuke stops him from sliding down the other man's pants.

"Let me…" Sousuke says, reaching between them to unbutton and unzip Rin's pants, lowering it just enough to pull out his dick. He mirrors these actions, fights to hold Rin's arms down, when he starts to press and rub their erections in a way that's too hot and yet not enough. But biology is biology - Sousuke's hungry kisses, desirable scent and fevered rutting - finds Rin wound up so tight that he has to lift his legs on either side of Sousuke's hips and curl his toes and press them on the small of the taller man's back - to compensate, give the electric sensations somewhere to go.

"Sousuke, please…" Rin moans in his ear

The taller man slides his arms and clamps his hands around Rin's shoulders to hold him closer, then he goes faster, the sound of skin sliding over skin - covered in sweat and pre-cum - filling the room, plucking at the already tense body of the former Olympian.

Rin doesn't want to cum in this way. He wants more - when it involves Sousuke - he always wants more.

But tonight, Sousuke can only give him this: they orgasm and their semen covers the smooth skin of their stomach, some get on Rin's neck and chin. Sousuke has no qualms licking them clean. Their completion is not earth shattering but it hasn't been like this for both of them, not in a very long time. It feels good but it's also confusing to Rin in ways he knows and doesn't know. Why won't Sousuke commit? Why won't he _involve_ himself so completely with him?

He opens his eyes to Sousuke slowly collapsing on the bed beside him, catching his breath.

He recalls what Haru said over the phone, reluctantly - in between tired breathing he speaks -- "Sousuke, have you had…are you seeing someone?" Rin says, would hate to have anyone else feel what Sousuke can do in bed. 

r

"Nothing steady. I've seen people. Casual. You?" Sousuke says carefully.

Rin closes his eyes and swallows, resolving to clean up their mess and their bodies later. He feels a little dizzy and stupidly jealous at no one in particular.

"Same. Casual." Rin lies. He leaves it at that.

 

+

 

It's two hours shy of six AM when Rin comes out of the bathroom after his early morning potty break; he is wearing boxer shorts and a white formfit shirt. Sousuke is slumbering, shirtless with only his boxer briefs on (an extra in Rin's closet, a size variant sample from an endorsement he did while actively swimming) - his naked back still smooth and muscled and strong even in his sleep. Rin sits on the side where Sousuke is sleeping (resolves in his head to call it -Sousuke's side of the bed) and quietly touches the damaged shoulder that altered his future, their future. There's a bit of deformity there from the scar tissue under the skin - but it's a part of Sousuke, therefore he accepts it. 

He kisses the trail that his hand forges, making Sousuke mumble in his sleep.

Rin closes his eyes.

_What am I doing?_


End file.
